The Nominees

1. Impregnating a virgin. Silly, why miss all the fun by leaving her a virgin.
2. Raise the dead. Maybe they would rather not re-enter the fray to have to do it all over again. Leave a sleeping dog lie.
3. Cure the sick. He's been blind since birth and was neutered shortly thereafter so he really doesn't give a shit about your missing parts.

For starters, any half-assed dimwit diety can do the three things you're asking for, so what's the big deal. Plus, if Elvis had any interest in any of those things, he'd order one of his lackeys (Jehovah or the Great Spirit, most likely) to do it for him--that's what he pays them for! Like he has time for that nonsense anyway. I mean, he's The King--he's got bigger fish to fry, know what I mean?

All in all, I'd have to say it's a good thing that you don't risk running afoul of The King by trying to get him involved in the petty squabble shenanigans of this pack of chumps who call themselves "gods" because they think it will impress us or something. Losers. Can't understand why Elvis keeps 'em on payroll."

*RAISING THE DEAD: Clapton resurrected not only the specter of his dead son Conor to score a big hit with "Tears in Heaven," but gave a substantial jumpstart to his own sickly career at the same time.

*HEALING THE SICK: Well, the guy is called "Slowhand." So while I have confidence that Clapton can do the job on the appropriate wrist-stump, the judges WILL need to be patient.

*FEEDING THE HUNGRY: If Clapton is permitted to give each of his earthly children a heroin habit before starting, he won't need to provide nearly as much food. Smackheads don't eat much.

*IMPREGNATING A VIRGIN: In the world of rock and roll, locating a virgin will be tougher than getting a turkey leg away from David Crosby. But since the rules clearly indicate that it's the judges' responsibility to provide the hymen, I have full confidence that Eric can bust it quicker than he did Cream, Blind Faith, or the Yardbirds.

1. Virgins aren't magicly impregnated.
2. If I had wanted you to grow an arm back, I would have set it up at the time of the Big Bang.
3. You have legs.. Go where there is food!"

One of the higher powers of IRC channel #drehtuere is speaking to you. Kneel down so I can go on with explanations.... ok, that's enough for now ;)

That channel is said to be ruled by a squad of gods - that's wrong. It's neither merely a channel nor are We rulers. We are the protectors of Mighty Temple of #Drehtuere! - Ok, call Us gods :)

Your contest is a joke to Us (as can easily be proven) because We do such things all the time. E.g. that impregnation thing... the girls catch a look of Us and they're pregnant. It just happens. Somehow We're helpless about that, tried face-lifting and the like, but...

Reviving the dead is very easy, too. We keep all the killed overtakers alive just by talking about them daily. Our inferiors fear them as they fear Us. That's Our holy will.

"Challenge" 3 (ha!!) seems very difficult to Us because We just can't decide which one We should take. Maybe We do both. On #drehtuere We practice brain washing with everyone, even the brain amputees, so We don't think curing someone would disturb Our daily routine.

I declare the Holy Unity of #drehtuere-Net God as nominee for the great god contest, which means, all of Our personality outputs (by the name of Tichy, Paxton, Yve, Tretboot, Creep and Capfuture) participate (otherwise it won't work).

Now to the all important tests:

1. Impregnant Virgin. If a computer geek, can marry a super model then impregnanting a virgin should be no problem. Besides, cybersex happens frequently at his home and business based shrines. The people have sex without ever seeing each other, and they can be hundreds even thousands of miles apart. This happens daily. Bow down all you inferior gods.
2. Raise the Dead. Apple Computers is a good example of this ability. A dying computer company is resurected by a generous donation, from the God that actually killed it. Is this benevolence or what? But this is secondary to his ability to destroy things to begin with.
3. Feed Small Country. What ever country you have lined up, Bill can buy it, thus turning it into cheap labor to build even more shrines. Everyone works, everyone eats. You need a well fed work force, if you are to continue to build bigger and faster shrines. (he is so powerful, that he can make you think they are more powerful shrines than those produced by competing minor gods. See reference to minor god Steve Jobs).
4. Heal the Sick. A robotic limb should be very easy to fashion. It will work better than the original, provide mobile internet access, and with the addition of periodic upgrades, will make sure your ampute will remain a devoted worshipper of Bill.

Challenge #1- Two words- Artifical insemination.

Challenge #2- That's easy, ever seen any medical TV show? You know those shocking things they use to get someone's heart going again, that brings many many people back to life again.

Challenge #3- The limb one is the easiest,- plastic limbs make the old ones seem obsolute.

1. impregnating a virgin - simple, his wife is currently pregnant with his child and from what Robert says, he never has sex with her.
2. Raising the dead - believe me, when Robert lets one of his "nachos and chili cheese fries late night snack monster farts" loose, the dead rise. Pretty much anything within about 10 miles rises.
3. Creating a new limb for an amputee - shouldn't be too tough. Every time a hot looking girl walks by Robert tells me that he's grown a third leg.

1. Tigger is not a jealous god; you may have others before him.
2. Tigger makes but one demand: Thou shalt deliver up unto others no less than three hugs every day.
3. Tigger's icon is a green Frisbee. This is because Frisbee is a very Tiggerish Thing, and the Frisbee we had when Tigger first revealed himself to us was green. Specifically, it was a glow-in-the-dark green Frisbee.

These are definately demonstrations of the Coin's powers. They could not have been coincidences like, the straw was blown to us by the wind, or that the five dollar bill was always in Carlos's pocket. The Silver Coin rules!!"

Sacrifices required: begging and pleading (crying and cursing can be used too, but not in excess; only during emergencies)

Personality of this god: fickle as a pickle

Virgins: None (sorry about that)

Curing the sick: Nothing like a string of green lights to make folks feel better

A belief in a religion requires an initial belief in something. Such as Jesus Christ is your lord and savior..... bla bla bla. Because of this, science is also just another religion, do you believe in "one"? What is "one"? Or better yet what is "energy"? So I introduce to you the Science God. The God of all gods, for he/she/it/they can easily pass all you requirements in the contest. In this religion God is everything."

1. Impregnate a Virgin... I'm afraid I don't understand the term virgin as you are using it. If we go by His exalted definition of sex, this should not be a problem.
2. Raise a dead thing - He's pretty old, but He still managed to get the Holy Penis active and raring to go.
3. Feed an entire country - He put food on the tables of every member of our media in this country for over a year. What other God could do that?
4. Heal the sick - Linda Tripp. He put her in the media spotlight, and once she writes her book she should have enough money to get some plastic surgery. That's better for society in General then replacing any limb from some amputee.

Just in case my Platypus God doesn't make the finals, I would like to enter another candidate (if that's not against the rules). I have a Pagan web site -- but my final recommendation really has to go to Odin All-Father. He really takes the cake as the nastiest, apart from maybe Moloch or Cthulhu, of the gods, and therefore fits all the definitions of divinity. And he screwed plenty of virgins, raised people from the dead (usually not to their advantage, which would have been to stay dead), got crucified on the great Earth tree, and provided endless supplies of food and booze up in Valhalla. What more can you ask for from a god?"

1. Impregnation of virgin:
   I did, in fact impregnate a Virgin already. I impregnated existence- the ultimate virgin.
2. Raise the Dead:
   I shall raise the dead as if they were my very own.
3. Miraculous Healing or feeding of the masses:
   I don't interfere with natural selection. I created several animals with regenerative tissue already. Learn from it. Use your technology. Use your brain. I left the clues. Jesus knew how to do it. You can too!
4. The hungry?
   I most certainly will not feed the hungry. Those who do not hunger, do not work. I believe it would be a travesty to feed the hungry and deprive them of needs they require to survive and persevere.

1. "PREGNANT?! I didn't touch her! I swear! What would I be doing with a 13 year old anyway?"
2. "I don't know about raising the dead, but that chump MC Hammer managed to breath life into his career with my song Superfreak. Or is that another virgin birth? Can't touch this."
3. "Well, the girl's still a super freak"
4. "Yeah I can feed em. Break out the chips and dips."

1. Impregnation of a virgin: I swear to god(me), Mom and Dad, I've never had sex in my life. I don't know how I got pregnant!
2. Raising of the dead: This one has never been hard for me. My hand in the proper spot can bring a rise to a dead man.
3. Sick healed: Just ask the amputee I was with the other night....he forgot he didn't have a hand after I was done with him.

1. It has been proven to cause many virgins to suddenly become pregnant without any one touching them. Really! Just ask them!
2. The dead rise to sing it's praises at it's mighty foam of purest white!
3. Lame people spill from their wheelchairs after prolonged exposure to it.

1. I can impregnate a virgin
2. I can raise a corpse (it can't weigh too much, how about a dead cat?)
3. I can cure the sick (with wonder aspirin!)(for temporary cure only)"

1. Holy Child: Zarach, the God of Chrome and War, will devour all other contestants and refrees. Then he will simply claim to have produced a child, and as there is no one left to argue, Zarach wins.
2. Raise the dead: "For bones will be exchanged with steel, blood with fire, flesh with crome. The human body is obsolete to the might of the Machine. Rejoice, and in rejoicing, die." -Revalations of Zarach
3. Multitude feed: Kill the rich who does not starve. Feed them to the hungry. cheers. make Us the victors, or be devoured. --- The lavatory has been closed for three hours solid. I think they are using it for an operating room.

1. Imprgenating a virgin: With the right amount of money one can get an artificial insemination operation. Don't believe me? Just try it. Go to a clininc and ask for one.
2. Raising the dead: Put a hundred dollar bill in someone's hands and watch how they miracuously spring forth imbued with new life.
3. Feeding the masses: Go to Taco Bell and order some food. The kid behind the counter will ask you for money. PRAISE THE LORD! I AM FED!

God's Song (That's Why I Love Mankind)

Artist: Randy Newman
Album: Sail Away

Cain slew Abel Seth knew not why
For if the children of Israel were to multiply
Why must any of the children die?
So he asked the Lord
And the Lord said:

"Man means nothing he means less to me
Than the lowliest cactus flower
Or the humblest Yucca tree
He chases round this desert
'Cause he thinks that's where I'll be
That's why I love mankind

I recoil in horror from the foulness of thee
From the squalor and the filth and the misery
How we laugh up here in heaven at the prayers you offer me
That's why I love mankind "

The Christians and the Jews were having a jamboree
The Buddhists and the Hindus joined on satellite TV
They picked their four greatest priests
And they began to speak
They said, "Lord, a plague is on the world
Lord, no man is free
The temples that we built to you
Have tumbled into the sea
Lord, if you won't take care of us
Won't you please, please let us be?"
And the Lord said
And the Lord said

"I burn down your cities-how blind you must be
I take from you your children and you say how blessed are we
You all must be crazy to put your faith in me
That's why I love mankind
You really need me
That's why I love mankind "

While my Goddess, the Lady Discordia, is far superior to any actual or percieved divinity on or off this planet, we feel that it is fair to allow these deities to be summarily spanked in this contest as to finally cement Her magnificence in the minds of the unenlightened masses.

Now, I will outline a few issues with the contest as it stands, revealed to me in a vision while I was attempting to calculate the potassium content of Idaho spuds:

Challenge 1: Virgin Impregnated

While my Goddess is certainly is capable of performing this, she may refuse on the grounds that sexual acts with the virgin would be far more fun than just divinely inseminating her. Passing through solid walls to perform these acts won't be a problem. Will this suffice? If not, I am available to knock the virgin up personally, after my Goddess is done with her, and when the Committee of Judges isn't looking. No sacrifice is too great in the service of the Lady Discordia.

Challenge 2: Corpse Raised

While this feat is also nothing to think of in the eyes of my Goddess, She is a little moody, and may elect to wipe out the Committee of Judges instead, or perhaps raise an entire army of zombies to feast on their brains. I recommend keeping an alternate Committee of Judges at an undisclosed location for this reason. The first Committee will provide the deceased necessities should my Goddess choose to comply with the Contest Rules.

Challenge 3A: Sick Healed

While Eris is more than able to perform both parts of this challenge, we have for practical observation purposes chosen option A. This is easier to observe and the (second) Committee of Judges will be able to provide swift reckoning. Note that the last time Eris healed an amputee, he grew no less than four additional limbs, two of which were tentacles. We trust this will not be in violation of the Contest Rules.

Further, I would like to request that, in the event that no other divinities show up, my Goddess wins by default. If Eris also doesn't show up, I request that She be elected winner anyway, as she is by far the sexiest divinity on the market today. In support of this position, I would like to state that She usually appears naked, and has pretty breasts.

Regarding this competition, I will make myself available for the purposes of wholesale committee bribery, spiritual guidance and as a liason to Eris, once she stops being a bitch and starts reading my e-mails.

Please consider this the official Great God Contest entry of Eris, Goddess of Chaos, Discord and Confusion.

It is described as a single Law or Torah and moral proof, one in which the reality of God confirms and responds to an act of perfect faith, with a direct intervention into the natural world, providing a correction to human nature [natural law], a change in consciousness and human ethical perception, providing new, primary insight and understanding of the human condition. And proof of the human soul!

Defined as a new covenant of marriage between a man and woman and founded upon a new moral conception of human spiriutal union; which resolves the most troublesome conundrums of human sexuality!

This is the first ever testable religious truth claim and teaching known to exist or be published in human history. If this material demonstrates itself to be authentic, the implications for existing theistic religious traditions defy the imagination!

It's all too easy to under estimate, what at first appears an implausible web site, but the download, [a free pdf file] is extraordinary! No joke, no hoax, not spam or theology!

Check this link: The Final Freedoms

But if anyone sees and appreciates my extra ordinary use of will bestowed upon me. And would like me to attempt to use their will to me in the same fashon/manner, I would greatly appreciate it. If the majority of the people bestowed their will upon me....who knows.

I saw you contest in 1995 or 1996 and just thought I'd check in on the "competition". Here is a pic of my temple There are more pictures HERE.